Relationships and Politics: When You Have Dated and Waited Long Enough

What you are reading is my opinion.  When should you end a relationship?  In a previous post, I stated that leaving someone can sometimes be complicated.  If you are not married and there aren’t any children, it should be easy to walk away from him or her when you find it necessary to end the relationship.  The reason that it should be easy to leave since you are considering leaving in the first place, is because your boyfriend or girlfriend has failed to convince you that you have a worthwhile relationship with that individual.  No strings ( no children), leaving your partner just means going back to being single after you cut the emotional string that connects you to him or her.  When there are children involved, leaving someone is more complicated.  But the answer to my question; When should you end a relationship?  My answer, when you know that what you are leaving has absolutely no chance of becoming a worthwhile relationship.  You know what not being worthwhile is-if you “honestly” look for the least bit of good about your situation to give yourself that excuse to stay and you can’t find a single thing that is good about it.  So in short, you leave when you realize that you will never have a relationship with the person.  If you are just hooking up, and you are not looking for a relationship and you are satisfied with never having a relationship with the person then you are okay staying with the understanding that what you have with him or her will never be anything significant.  Some people like these types of relationships because to them it is better being with someone than being alone.  However, if you are looking for a relationship, it doesn’t make much sense to date someone when you know that a relationship with them will never happen.  Which brings up another point?  What is a relationship and how do you know that you have a relationship with someone?

A relationship, per Google, “the way” in which two or more concepts, objects, or people are connected, or the state of being connected.  “The way”, yes, it is “the way” that makes or breaks a relationship.  The New Your Times offered an interesting take on modern dating.  “The way”, rather the dating practices that The New York Time’s article describes isn’t that much different from when I was in college.  Instead of using Facebook and the internet, my friends told me whatever I needed to know about the next person I was going to approach.  As for the commitment, the lack of guys wanting to committee to a relationship was a problem 18 years ago before the internet frenzy.  But what is “The Way” that you should be looking for. What are the characteristics of a good relationship, the characteristics worth staying for? One measuring rod may be that it just feels right. It is funny that some people will use this measuring rod to enjoy the good times and savor the relationship, but ignore the feeling meter when it feels bad and it is telling you that you need to stop making excuses and go. If you are not one for using the feel-good meter below is a list of characteristics that you can use to identify a good relationship.

“The Way” Concoction for Solid Relationships, (Debnam & Howard, 2014).

  • Trust – Trust in each other
  • Communication – Be open and honest
  • Honesty – Don’t destroy your partner’s trust by lying.  It will not be easy to regain
  • Self-Confidence – Have confidence in yourself
  • Respect – Valuing each other’s being and work to understand each other’s boundaries and values
  • Understanding – Take time to understand each other’s feelings
  • Individuality – Each person should not have to compromise who they are
  • Compromise – One person should not always get their way
  • Caring- There exists an authentic sense of caring between you and your partner

I like the above concoction for relationships.  Each of them is a pillar for a healthy relationship.  Although important, I have excluded finances, education, being evenly yoked, and having similar values from the list.  Remember the 80/20 rule when checking off the items on the list.  Again, if it was me, I would leave a partner after realizing that I will never have a relationship with him or her.  How long am I willing to wait around and see if it will ever happen? Isn’t that the question that keeps us around; If I say a little longer it will develop into something special. The answer to this depends on your patience and how much you are willing to pay for your relationship. What are the old sayings about men and women 1) You can never please a woman and 2) You can never change a man. If you are trying to make a decision does your relationship give credence to the two previous myths?

The political side of this post-Dating is like voting.  You date to get something out of it.  You vote to get something out of it.  The concoction for relationships also applies when you vote for a candidate.  People vote for two reasons 1) They either vote for their values and beliefs or 2) They vote for their money. People vote for both their beliefs and money when they identify a candidate has the characteristics that allow them to do so.  Sometimes the two reasons conflict.  You can select a candidate based on your beliefs but doing so you have helped to elect a candidate that establishes laws and policies that are contrary to your financial situation.  Or you may vote for a candidate that will increase your finances, but the candidate creates policies that contradict your belief and value system.   Not sure if the 80/20 rule applies, but I am sure that when you vote you have to decide which is more important, your values or your fiscal reality.  If a candidate supports both, good deal. If a candidate does not support both, which of the two reasons will benefit you the most and which of the two will hurt you the least? Some of us will never change our support for a candidate because we are loyal to our party. If this is the case for you, you feel that your beliefs are more important than your lifestyle. Some of us will never vote for someone that is a threat to our wealth. If this is the case for you, you feel that your finances are more important than your personal beliefs and values. You have waited on a candidate long enough when the reason you voted for a candidate starts to mean less than the reason you did not vote for the candidate.

Reference:

Dednam, K., & Howard, D. (2014). ‘‘If You Don’t Have Honesty in a Relationship, Then There Is No Relationship::African American Girls’ Characterization of Healthy Dating Reltionships, A Qualitative Study. J Primary Prevent, 397-407.

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